I would like to know why are people so mean and selfish in relationships. I think we’ve all been there at some point—standing in disbelief as someone we care about acts in a way that feels cruel, dismissive, or just plain selfish. Maybe it’s a partner who only seems to care about their own needs, a friend who constantly takes but never gives, or even a loved one who shuts down emotionally when we need them most. It hurts. And it makes us wonder: Why are people so mean and selfish, especially in relationships?
I used to believe that love and kindness naturally came with relationships, but over time, I learned that’s not always the case. People can be complicated, and their actions are often driven by personal struggles we don’t see. That doesn’t mean we should tolerate bad behavior, but understanding where it comes from can help us navigate it better—whether that means setting boundaries, fostering change, or knowing when to walk away.
In this blog, we’re going to dive deep into the reasons behind meanness and selfishness in relationships. Why do people act this way? Can they change? And most importantly, how do we protect ourselves while still holding onto the hope of healthy, fulfilling connections? Let’s break it down.
The Root Causes of Meanness and Selfishness
It’s easy to label someone as “mean” or “selfish” and leave it at that. But the truth is, people don’t just wake up one day and decide to mistreat others. There are often deeper reasons behind their behavior—whether they realize it or not. Understanding these causes doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it can help us see things more clearly and make informed decisions about our relationships.
1. Personal Insecurities
Sometimes, the people who hurt us the most are the ones who are hurting themselves. Insecurity can make someone defensive, controlling, or even emotionally distant. They may lash out because they feel inadequate, or they might put their own needs first because deep down, they’re afraid of not being enough. A person who is constantly seeking validation may become self-absorbed without even realizing it, prioritizing their own feelings over their partner’s.
2. Past Trauma & Unhealed Wounds
The way we experience love as children often shapes how we show love as adults. If someone grew up in an environment where love was conditional, or where emotional neglect and manipulation were common, they might carry those patterns into their relationships. Instead of showing vulnerability, they might act cold or dismissive. Instead of giving, they might take—because that’s the only way they learned to survive emotionally.
3. Narcissistic Tendencies
While not everyone who is selfish is a full-blown narcissist, some people have traits that make them naturally more self-centered. They may lack empathy, struggle to see things from their partner’s perspective, or believe that their needs should always come first. These individuals often manipulate situations to their advantage, making their partners feel guilty for asking for basic respect and consideration.
4. Entitlement & Lack of Emotional Maturity
Some people are simply used to getting their way. Maybe they were never taught to compromise, or perhaps they’ve always been surrounded by people who cater to their needs. In relationships, this can manifest as an unwillingness to meet their partner halfway. They might expect love, attention, and effort without reciprocating it. This type of selfishness isn’t always malicious—it can just be a lack of emotional maturity.
When Does It Become a Problem?
We all have moments of selfishness. No one is perfect. But when meanness and selfishness become patterns that hurt the relationship, it’s a sign that something needs to change. The question then becomes: Can they change? And if not, how do we protect ourselves?
How Mean and Selfish Behavior Affects Relationships
When selfishness and cruelty seep into a relationship, they don’t just cause arguments or frustration—they chip away at the very foundation of love and trust. The effects can be subtle at first, but over time, they build up, leaving one partner feeling emotionally drained while the other remains unaware (or unconcerned) about the damage they’re causing.
1. The Breakdown of Trust & Emotional Connection
Relationships thrive on trust and emotional safety. When someone consistently puts their own needs first, ignores their partner’s feelings, or dismisses their concerns, it creates a sense of emotional insecurity. Over time, the person on the receiving end may begin to feel like their thoughts and emotions don’t matter. They start second-guessing whether their partner even cares.
2. A Cycle of Toxicity & Resentment
One of the biggest dangers of dealing with selfish or mean behavior is that it often leads to a toxic cycle. The hurt partner may start to react—becoming distant, passive-aggressive, or even lashing out in frustration. Instead of addressing the root issue, both partners end up trapped in a loop of emotional pain. One person keeps taking, and the other keeps giving until they have nothing left.
3. Emotional Exhaustion & Self-Doubt
Constantly being on the receiving end of selfishness can leave a person feeling emotionally depleted. When you’re always the one compromising, always trying to be the bigger person, and never truly feeling seen or valued, it takes a toll. You might start questioning whether you’re asking for too much, whether you’re the problem, or whether love is supposed to feel this exhausting. (Spoiler: It’s not.)
4. Loss of Intimacy & Affection
A relationship where one person is consistently self-centered often leads to an emotional disconnect. Intimacy isn’t just about physical closeness—it’s about feeling safe, valued, and understood. When that connection starts to fade, affection can feel forced, conversations become shallow, and spending time together no longer feels fulfilling.
Is change Possible?
Not all selfish people are incapable of change, but change requires self-awareness and effort. The real question isn’t just whether they can change—but whether they want to. In the next section, we’ll explore whether mean or selfish people can truly transform and what it takes for a relationship to heal.
Can Mean or Selfish People Change?
When you’re in a relationship with someone who constantly puts themselves first, it’s natural to wonder: Can they change? The answer isn’t always simple. Change is possible, but only if the person recognizes their behavior and genuinely wants to do better. If someone refuses to acknowledge their selfishness or blames you for their actions, then expecting change is unrealistic.
1. Recognizing the Behavior
The first step to change is awareness. Some people don’t even realize they’re acting selfishly because it’s how they’ve always operated. But once they see how their actions hurt their partner, they have the opportunity to grow. The problem? Not everyone is willing to take an honest look at themselves.
2. Willingness to Improve
Even if someone admits their behavior is problematic, change requires effort. It’s not just about apologizing—it’s about consistently showing up differently. This means:
- Listening more and talking less
- Learning to put their partner’s needs on equal footing with their own
- Acknowledging when they’ve hurt someone instead of getting defensive
A partner who is truly committed to change will take action, not just make empty promises.
3. Therapy & Personal Growth
For some, selfish or mean behavior is deeply rooted in past trauma, insecurity, or unhealthy relationship models. In these cases, therapy or self-reflection can be key to breaking toxic patterns. A person who actively seeks help—whether through counseling, self-help books, or open conversations—shows they are serious about personal growth.
4. When Change Is Unlikely
Unfortunately, not everyone is capable (or willing) to change. If someone consistently refuses to take responsibility, plays the victim, or makes you feel guilty for expressing your needs, then it may be time to accept this is who they are. At that point, the question shifts from “Can they change?” to “Can I keep living with this behavior?”
How to Handle Mean and Selfish Behavior in a Relationship
If you’re in a relationship with someone who is consistently selfish or unkind, it’s important to remember one thing: You deserve respect, love, and emotional safety. You don’t have to tolerate behavior that makes you feel small, unheard, or unimportant. The good news? There are ways to address the issue—whether that means setting boundaries, encouraging change, or making the difficult decision to walk away.
1. Communicate Your Needs Clearly
Some people aren’t aware of how their actions affect others until it’s spelled out for them. If your partner’s behavior is hurting you, tell them—honestly and directly. Instead of accusing them (which can make them defensive), use “I” statements:
✅ “I feel hurt when my needs aren’t considered.”
✅ “I need to feel like my voice matters in this relationship.”
If they care about you, they’ll listen and at least try to improve. If they dismiss your feelings or turn the conversation into a blame game, that’s a red flag.
2. Set Firm Boundaries
Boundaries aren’t about controlling someone else—they’re about protecting your own emotional well-being. If your partner constantly disregards your feelings, you have every right to say, “I won’t tolerate this.” Examples of healthy boundaries:
- “I won’t continue conversations where I’m being disrespected.”
- “I need my feelings to be acknowledged, or I won’t engage.”
- “If I’m always expected to give without receiving, I need to rethink this relationship.”
Boundaries only work if you enforce them. If they keep crossing the line and you keep allowing it, they’ll never take you seriously.
3. Watch Their Actions, Not Just Their Words
It’s easy for someone to say they’ll change—but do they actually follow through? Real change takes consistent effort. If they’re still dismissing your needs, making you feel guilty for speaking up, or expecting you to put up with their behavior, then they’re not truly changing.
4. Know When to Walk Away
This is the hardest part. If someone continuously chooses selfishness over compromise, cruelty over kindness, and their own needs over your happiness, you have to ask yourself: Is this the kind of love I want? Love should never feel like a battle where you’re always fighting to be seen, heard, or valued. Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is walk away.
Conclusion
You Deserve a Healthy, Loving Relationship
When all is said and done, relationships should be a source of love, support, and mutual respect—not constant pain and exhaustion. If you find yourself in a dynamic where selfishness and meanness have become the norm, it’s time to step back and ask: Is this truly what I want?
Change is possible, but it requires effort, self-awareness, and a willingness to grow—on both sides. If your partner acknowledges their behavior, takes accountability, and genuinely works on improving, there might be hope. But if you’re constantly being dismissed, undervalued, or made to feel like your needs don’t matter, you owe it to yourself to consider a different path.
Love should never feel like a one-sided battle. You are worthy of a relationship where you feel heard, respected, and cherished. If that’s not what you’re getting, then maybe it’s time to stop settling and start choosing yourself. Don’t sell yourself short to make another person happy or feel good about themself. At the end of the day, self-respect is what matters the most; the ability to look in the mirror and feel proud of the person looking back at you.